Cane Toad Racing in Port Douglas

The Iron Bar in Port Douglas is a corrugated replica of rusty years past. According to its website, “the Iron Bar is pretty much synonymous with “ripper of a good time”. Its esky-cool bar provides welcome relief from the tropics. After dinner, the Iron Bar transforms into a battleground for the Far North’s most pestilent and most virulent beasts.

Celebrated affectionately as “dubiously ethical”, “unashamedly politically incorrect”, “amphibian debauchery at its finest” and “side–splitting bogan mischief for the whole family”, this is what Iron Bar memories are made of.”

Coconut crumbed Barramundi, margaritas and a bottle of white set the rainbow tinted glasses alight for our Iron Bar night out with the famous amphibians.

By 8pm, the backbar is bubbling with cheeky kids and adult punters ready for some action. Our toad master of ceremonies for the night is a stocky, straggly haired Aussie bloke called Duncan who is as raw, forthright and delightfully politically incorrect as you could ever wish for. In the dimly lit bar we cluster round a small stage with a large oval table and a chalkboard to show the names and places of the toads. Duncan warms up the crowd by making rude comments about the various Pommie, Scottish, Irish, NSW people present. Love it, way to go Duncan.

From a plastic bucket he extracts a struggling cane toad, glistening in the light. We hear some cane toad facts, including that unlike frogs, they can't climb, so are useless at catching cane beetles which live at the top of the cane plants. Originating from Venezuela, the creatures were imported to Australia to get rid of cane beetles, but simply ignored the beetles and ate everything else whilst becoming a plague across the northern half of Australia.

With a loving squeeze, Duncan teases the kids by dangling a toad to touch their noses. Shrieks and wailing ensue when a toddler is horrified at a nose to nose encounter and runs in panic to his father.

Our host is now warming to his game as he tightens his grip on the toad and waves it around. With a squidgy sound the toad suddenly emits a fine spray of Pee onto the squealing, recoiling youngsters beneath. Spying my bald pate, our host upends his toad, Fat Bastard, and smears its belly across my head to a rush of laughter from the gleeful children. Looking at Gen, our host says "of course she loves a fat bastard!"

Duncan is delighted to be as outrageous as he likes and starts the first racing round by getting the crowd to pick tickets. One by one the would-be jockeys are called up on stage: Angus a red haired Aussie kid, Lilly a pouting Scots lass; until there are five jockeys for five toads. The novices pull faces and get to grips or not with their toad partners with names like Fat Bastard, Aussie Aussie Aussie, Skippy's Love Child, Gay Freddo

The first race is to see the form of the field. Duncan lovingly extracts the toads from a bucket and identifies them with an expandable, coloured bracelet around the girth. The camel toad, named for two humps at each side of the head, gets a round of applause and a special kiss from Duncan. The jockeys get introduced to their steeds and are told to pucker up, pulling suitably unwilling faces, for a kiss to bring their steeds into form. The aim is to use party poopers as 'whips' to gently prod the toad to jump off the table onto the floor where the jockey picks it up and deposits it into a bucket.

With great hilarity and chaos, the race begins with toads stalling, hopping or not reacting to the uproar. Suddenly Lilly gets the wind up Gay Freddo and he shoots off the table to be rounded up in the bucket as the winner. The prize for the first race and all contestants, is a can of pop for the kids, and a beer for the dad or mum.

The second race is the real thing. Duncan starts the auction for the individual toads; I'm bid-five-five-five and ten-ten-ten...bidding quickly goes from $5 up to an amazing $60 bid by proud parents to give their kids a shot at winning. The five jockeys line up on stage to gingerly hold their toads for the lucky kiss.

The toads are placed back in the bucket, there's a hush in the room; Duncan hands out the 'whips'; then he lifts the top off the bucket to reveal a squirming mound of scrabbling toad bodies and legs; then the whipping starts and the crowd goes mad. Gay Freddo stays on form and legs it in a couple of jumps from the centre of the table to the edge, then plops onto the floor where he is whisked away to the winner's bucket. The other toads are yet to start, some of the whips break, the jockeys run round to the other side of the table for a better whipping position. Aussie Aussie Aussie breaks from the pack and makes it second; three toady stragglers get a discreet swipe from Duncan to knock them off onto the floor. The crowd roars.

The prize giving sees the award of tickets to Hartley Crocodiles, plus champagne for the parents. As a final flourish, Duncan hands the bucket of toads into the crowd for slimy selfies. The kids and parents troop out of the bar. The cane toads get to race another day.